Medetations on tumblr purity wank

[anarfea]

I’ve never understood this anti argument of, “try going outside and telling random strangers what you defend online and see what happens.”

They think it’s some sort of trump card, like, if your average rando would be uncomfortable with this it must be wrong!

First, your average rando is grossed out by same-sex relationships and the existence of trans people. Surprise surprise, antis, if you told them what you ship (totally wholesome, unproblematic smoll gay beans loving and supporting each other) they’d be grossed out by you, too. This is why you don’t let the opinions of your average sex-negative, homophobic puritan determine whether or not you should be ashamed of your sexuality.

Second, discussing your kinks with random people is not fucking appropriate. There is a time and place to discuss your sexual interests and with random strangers that didn’t ask about your sexual interests ain’t it. But, antis generally don’t understand boundaries, so it doesn’t surprise me that they suggest people do this.

So no, I’m not going to go up to random people and tell them that I read and write “problematic” fic.

However, the people in my life whose opinions matter, like my spouse, my close friends, my therapists…. All these people know my abuse history, and that I write this stuff to process trauma and connect with other survivors, and all of them think that is healthy and okay. That’s all the reassurance and validation that I need.

You can’t frighten me into shame and silence by telling me that your average rando thinks I’m a pervert. Your average rando is wrong about a great many things. This is one of them.

Comments

[anarfea]

I'm sorry if I came off as saying that darkfic writers and readers need to be survivors because I don't think that at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. I generally think that the idea that you have to be a survivor to write darkfic is dangerous because it makes people out themselves. And I've learned the hard way that there can be really terrible consequences to making yourself vulnerable in public in ways people will use against you.

In my essay on noncon fanworks I talk about this, and also why I think people are attracted to darkfic in the first place, which is because we're so steeped in rape culture and I think that absolutely everyone is affected by it even if they aren't a survivor personally, as you said. It gets pounded into women's heads that they're in constant danger of being raped. And some people cope with that fear by eroticizing it. People like to be scared, and grossed out. It's fascinating. This is why we have horror movies.

Just for me personally, I think that a lot of what I write is about exploring the questions raised by my own history. I feel sort of compelled to explore the same themes over and over. And I've been reassured by multiple therapists that that's a healthy thing to do. That's all I meant.

[lovetincture]

I generally think that the idea that you have to be a survivor to write darkfic is dangerous because it makes people out themselves. And I've learned the hard way that there can be really terrible consequences to making yourself vulnerable in public in ways people will use against you.

This, so hard. I've occasionally been in conversations that have ended with someone basically saying "You can't say/write XYZ because you don't know what it's like to be abused."

And actually, I do, but that's not something I advertise 99% of the time for a plethora of reasons. And then what do you even do at that point in the conversation? Either you trot out your very personal experiences in front of someone who may or may not mean you well, or you just kind of throw your hands up and discontinue the conversation. I think it's really shitty to basically demand that people prove their victimhood/survivorship before they're allowed to explore certain topics.

[anarfea]

Yeah, that exactly. I've taken the route of "trot out my personal experiences to someone who doesn't mean me well," and it went, well, badly. It fucking sucks and we shouldn't ask people to put themselves in this position.

[donut_donut]

No no, I understood that's not what you meant! You were only describing your own experience, not setting rules for other readers.

But I do see this argument used against antis a LOT ("darkfic is okay because it's a coping mechanism for survivors" which implies it's not okay for anyone else), and also the related argument that you shouldn't force survivors to out themselves.

Both are totally true, but when they become the *only* arguments that get passed around, I think it may have the unintended effect of making people feel guilty for enjoying darkfic if they are NOT survivors in the traditional sense. They may wonder if there's something really wrong with them, when really, using art to examine dark topics is a perfectly normal part of human experience.