Fitness and Body Image Issues, Oh My!

[anarfea]

So, I have been doing Couch to 5K for 6 weeks now and I'm up to running for 20 min. I'm super proud of myself, especially because I was struggling to run for a minute at a time when I started. And now I've run for 20 min without stopping. At 3.5 mph, but hey, baby steps. 

And I've been using Myfitnesspal to count calories. It has been really useful. Like today at work I was tempted to have a piece of chocolate. I haven't forbid myself any foods, I'm just trying to keep the calories under my goal. Anyway, I had a piece of chocolate yesterday and it was like 70 calories or something. But then I saw there were grapes, and 15 grapes are only like 45 calories? And like, I of course knew that grapes were a healthier snack than chocolate, but I was really shocked by how much more grapes I could eat for half the calories. So I ate the grapes.

And I am losing weight. I started out at 172 and I'm now at 163 so I have lost a total of 9 lbs. But I'm still "obese" according to the BMI number, which was really rough to hear, like, I know I'm overweight, but that word, "obese," has so much fucking stigma attached to it. It's one of those words I just really struggle to apply to myself. Especially because I'm still only wearing a size 8? So I forget sometimes how overweight I actually am. And I also still feel weird reading like, body positive or fat acceptance threads or whatever, because here I am in my size 8 jeans when people are talking about how it sucks to have to buy two plane tickets because they need the extra seat, and I'm like, "I can't call myself 'fat', I don't experience anti-fat bias." But then I realize that I technically am obese. And my mom fucking fat-shames me all the time, and has been since way before I was actually fat.

The thing I hate most though is getting mistaken for pregnant. People ask me when I'm due on a regular basis. A guy offered me his seat on the train (which I took). And it's just so fucking humiliating to have to say I'm not pregnant, just fat. And people then get flustered, which is their own damn fault because honestly everyone should know that you should never ask someone if they're pregnant unless the baby is fucking crowning. I guess it's acceptable to ask someone when they're due if they've told you they're pregnant. Otherwise, shut the fuck up. Because if they're not actually pregnant, they will be embarrassed and you will feel like an asshole. Which you kind of are. Anyway, the most recent person to ask me if I was pregnant was my cousin at a bridal shower. So I had to say I'm not pregnant, just fat. But if a stranger asks me when I'm due I'm just tempted to say like "October" or something and go along with it to avoid the whole humiliating exchange.

And I don't know if I hate it so much because it's just a reminder that I look fat, or if it's because I really don't want kids and don't want to be pregnant and don't want people to think I've gone and gotten knocked up, or what. But it is just the absolute worst and I hate it. I'd be so much happier with my body if I were chubby all over. I see lots of cute girls who are chubby. But I'm not, I have thin arms and small boobs and then this enormous beer gut, and I can't really blame people for thinking I'm pregnant when my stomach protrudes further than my breasts. I also have a big ass and thick thighs but I don't mind that nearly as much. I hated my thighs when I was 50 lbs lighter, which is an irony which does not escape me. Probably because when I was 12 my mom was constantly shaming me for my thighs rubbing together. Now, I don't so much mind the way they look, but it does bother me that I now have to worry about chub rub and I have to wear either boxers or bandlettes under skirts because otherwise I will chafe. But really my body hatred is mostly centered around my giant pregnancy gut. And unfortunately, there's no way to just focus your weight loss on your belly. I'm losing weight all over and I don't think my stomach is any less prominent than it was 9 lbs ago. My husband swears my belly is smaller but I think he's just saying that to try and make me feel better.

Myfitnesspal says if I stay on track I could be 158 lbs in 5 weeks. Which is, coincidentally, the number I need to hit to be "overweight" rather than "obese." I'm really looking forward to that number.

 

Comments

[solrosan]

*sending positive energy*

But also: Yay for being able to run for 20 minutes! That's awesome! (And not really a baby step at all, no matter the speed, 20 min is a long time. Especially if you went from 0 min to that in just a few weeks. You go!)

[anarfea]

Yeah, I really didn't think I could do it. But I'm now confident I will be able to work up to the 35 minutes in time.

[pennypaperbrain]

Congratulations on steady progress towards your aim!

'obese' is a weird word. I am also technically obese, and also don't think of myself that way, because it sounds like a medical condition, so if you have it there's something specific wrong with you that needs treatment/cure. Yet my cholesterol etc is just fine. There's a mismatch.

[out_there]

I am also technically obese, and also don't think of myself that way, because it sounds like a medical condition

Yeah, I'm the same. I'm at 190lbs and an AUS size 14-16 (US 10-12) and overweight, yes, I could definitely go down a few sizes with diet and exercise, but obese always feels far too harsh for "a little fatter than I should ideally be".

Still, yay for improving your running ability. That's very cool to see progress on a definite goal.

[anarfea]

I remember reading somewhere that they lowered the BMI number that was required to be "obese" and a bunch of people were re-categorized from "overweight" to "obese" overnight but I can't remember where I read this. Anyway I'm trying to focus on my running and my diet and recognize that this is going to be a long process.

[out_there]

I do a bit of that, and I do a bit of reminding myself that BMI assumes a certain bone density / skeleton, and that looks quite different on different bodies. Mum's 2 inches shorter than me and 15kg lighter (33 lb?) but she's actually a size bigger in clothing because she holds the weight around her middle. It's... never an easy thing, but if I focus on feeling better / more comfortable in my body and being able to do more, I feel a lot better. (Basically, if I focus on "getting healthy" rather than "losing weight", the weight loss will happen as a side effect.)

[anarfea]

Thanks! I do think "obese" is just such a weird label. I always felt that it only applied to people who need to buy two plane tickets etc. I don't know if my cholesterol is fine. I need to get some bloodwork done.

[virtual_particle]

20 minutes of running is a lot! Congrats on building all that new cardio stamina :D

[anarfea]

It is a lot and I can't do it every time. I've done it once non stop and once with a little break to walk after 10 min and then I ran another 10 min. But I'm getting there.

gifs are all I've got today sorry bb

[clevermanka]

Re: gifs are all I've got today sorry bb

[anarfea]

Thanks

[virtual_particle]

Also: at one point in my late teens, I was more than 30 pounds *under*weight because I was recovering from a surgery. Even then, my thighs still rubbed together when I walked. Some of us have skeletons that do the thing, and some of us have skeletons that don’t.

So if anyone criticizes you based on their own arbitrary standards of appearance, they can fuck right off.
;)

[anarfea]

Yeah, my thighs have pretty much always rubbed together. But I didn't get the chub rub thing going on until about a year ago. I guess they didn't rub together with enough force before?

[drinkingcocoa]

Yup. I'm obese, too, and don't think of myself that way.

The mistaken-pregnancy thing is so awful partly because it's so tedious in its awkwardness. No matter how you decide to react, it's a lot of unrewarding work for you and possibly the person who said something. Groan.

[anarfea]

Yeah it's just... I mean part of it is a reminder that I'm fat. Part of it is just the stupid societal pressure to reproduce. Even before I was fat, I was constantly getting asked when my husband and I were going to have kids, and it felt so presumptuous and invasive. Like, how the fuck is it your business when or whether I decide to have kids? And now, they're not even asking when I'm having kids, they're just assuming I've started on the kid having business. It just feels super duper icky.

[eloquated]

That's something to be so hugely proud of! (I think if I tried to run for 20 minutes straight, I would die!)

As for the pregnancy thing... Whatever the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously! 1. Its none of their business. 2. What if you were someone who had just miscarried, or was desperately trying to get pregnant? There are a lot of people, for various reasons (not that yours is any less upsetting!) that would be really upset by that kind of thoughtless statement!

I wish I was one of those people that could look at themselves in the mirror and think "Damn. I look amazing!" But, like a lot of people, it's so much easier to see the things that are wrong. Or just not what we want.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on-- I just wanted to say that I hope you take the time to feel proud for the accomplishments you're having, and all the effort you're putting into it! Sending you all the positivity! 💕

[anarfea]

I've always been morbidly tempted to tell people who ask when I'm going to have kids that I had a miscarriage just to make them feel bad, but I've never done it and realize it would be in poor taste. But yeah, just, holy invasive fuck batman. Why do people care so damn much about whether or not I reproduce?

[eloquated]

I think that has to be two different subjects that just happen to collide in unfortunate ways! There's this whole idea that, unless you have kids, you're somehow refusing your natural place in the world, and honestly, how stupid is that?

And then if you have just one kid, people give you a hard time because, apparently, that makes you selfish-- not providing a sibling for your child. My daughter is sixteen, and I still have people going "Oh, when are you having another?" Ummm... not. And these are the same people who have told Bug, "If you don't have kids, you'll be denying your mom the chance to be a grandmother. You'll make her so sad.. And you don't want to do that, do you?"

That one makes me so mad. Like, step the fuck down. I don't factor into it! If she wants kids, she can have them. And if not? Then she shouldn't! Simple math.. but some people are idiots.

[anarfea]

I went out to lunch and there was a screaming child and it just reminded me how much I never want to have kids. I just couldn't deal with that.

[eloquated]

Ughhhh! Yeah, no, pass. Hard pass! I told Bug when she was small that screaming for attention (barring literal emergencies, of course!) would just earn her a No. If she wanted to argue her point, she'd had to give me reasons for it, and explain her point. I had a lot of people tell me it was a stupid idea, etc etc etc...
Well, she never pulled a public screaming fit, and now she's looking at law school. I just knew that I didn't want to inflict another shrieking, tantrum-throwing hellion on the world!

Something kinda funny though? When I was working at the clinic, we had baskets of condoms in the bathroom. And one day, a little girl (about three or four) came running out with handfuls of bright little packets. Well, her mother freezes, eyes wide as dinner plates, as her daughter exclaims, "Look mommy! Candies!"

The poor mom was running after her child, and trying to apologize to us at the front desk (which was silly, cause we were pretty much useless with laughter!) as little miss danced around the waiting room, trailing foil condom packets behind her.

[anarfea]

Yeah, that was my feeling as well, that good parents simply don't let their child scream like that? I mean, the kid was pretty young. I'm not good at guessing the age of kids, but he was probably under 2? So I don't know that he was old enough to "explain his point" or whatever. But my mom was there (it was her Mothers' Day brunch) and she was saying that if I had screamed like that as a baby she would have carried me out of the restaurant to try and soothe me. And I really don't feel like these parents did anything to try to stop the screaming. They handed the kid some toys, which he promptly threw on the ground, and that was about it. Nobody took him out of his high chair and held him, which is what I would have done. But what do I know.

[eloquated]

I would have done the same thing, actually. I'd have taken her out of her seat, (especially if she was that young) and tried to calm her down. If she didn't? Then I'd definitely have left, like your mom said. It's just basic courtesy for everyone around you, I think, anyway.

[vulgarweed]

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear about all this - especially the rude invasive questions, WTF - but I think the running thing is AWESOME.

[anarfea]

I am really proud of myself for the running thing. My husband is telling me I shouldn't focus on running and should do other things instead because I "don't have the physique for it," because my feet are so flat. But I like having a goal that isn't entirely weight loss centric.

[donut_donut]

From the perspective of someone who was recently pregnant (with very much planned and desired pregnancies!), I *still* found it really obnoxious when strangers or distant acquiantances asked my due date without prompting.

I just don't love the sense that people are looking at my body and drawing conclusions about it, and then deciding to *share* those conclusions with me, even if they happened to be correct. It's still none of their fucking business, and I still didn't want to discuss it with them.

Anyway, point is, I don't think you need to justify even to yourself why these kinds of questions bother you. It's gross to have strangers discuss your body with you without prompting, no matter what the context.

[anarfea]

Thanks. My mom made another comment today, something like "how's the little mother" pointing at my stomach, and I mean, she fucking knows I'm not pregnant. It just pisses me off so much that people feel a need to comment on my body.

[donut_donut]

Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with that.