anarfea

So, I have been doing Couch to 5K for 6 weeks now and I'm up to running for 20 min. I'm super proud of myself, especially because I was struggling to run for a minute at a time when I started. And now I've run for 20 min without stopping. At 3.5 mph, but hey, baby steps.

And I've been using Myfitnesspal to count calories. It has been really useful. Like today at work I was tempted to have a piece of chocolate. I haven't forbid myself any foods, I'm just trying to keep the calories under my goal. Anyway, I had a piece of chocolate yesterday and it was like 70 calories or something. But then I saw there were grapes, and 15 grapes are only like 45 calories? And like, I of course knew that grapes were a healthier snack than chocolate, but I was really shocked by how much more grapes I could eat for half the calories. So I ate the grapes.

And I am losing weight. I started out at 172 and I'm now at 163 so I have lost a total of 9 lbs. But I'm still "obese" according to the BMI number, which was really rough to hear, like, I know I'm overweight, but that word, "obese," has so much fucking stigma attached to it. It's one of those words I just really struggle to apply to myself. Especially because I'm still only wearing a size 8? So I forget sometimes how overweight I actually am. And I also still feel weird reading like, body positive or fat acceptance threads or whatever, because here I am in my size 8 jeans when people are talking about how it sucks to have to buy two plane tickets because they need the extra seat, and I'm like, "I can't call myself 'fat', I don't experience anti-fat bias." But then I realize that I technically am obese. And my mom fucking fat-shames me all the time, and has been since way before I was actually fat.

The thing I hate most though is getting mistaken for pregnant. People ask me when I'm due on a regular basis. A guy offered me his seat on the train (which I took). And it's just so fucking humiliating to have to say I'm not pregnant, just fat. And people then get flustered, which is their own damn fault because honestly everyone should know that you should never ask someone if they're pregnant unless the baby is fucking crowning. I guess it's acceptable to ask someone when they're due if they've told you they're pregnant. Otherwise, shut the fuck up. Because if they're not actually pregnant, they will be embarrassed and you will feel like an asshole. Which you kind of are. Anyway, the most recent person to ask me if I was pregnant was my cousin at a bridal shower. So I had to say I'm not pregnant, just fat. But if a stranger asks me when I'm due I'm just tempted to say like "October" or something and go along with it to avoid the whole humiliating exchange.

And I don't know if I hate it so much because it's just a reminder that I look fat, or if it's because I really don't want kids and don't want to be pregnant and don't want people to think I've gone and gotten knocked up, or what. But it is just the absolute worst and I hate it. I'd be so much happier with my body if I were chubby all over. I see lots of cute girls who are chubby. But I'm not, I have thin arms and small boobs and then this enormous beer gut, and I can't really blame people for thinking I'm pregnant when my stomach protrudes further than my breasts. I also have a big ass and thick thighs but I don't mind that nearly as much. I hated my thighs when I was 50 lbs lighter, which is an irony which does not escape me. Probably because when I was 12 my mom was constantly shaming me for my thighs rubbing together. Now, I don't so much mind the way they look, but it does bother me that I now have to worry about chub rub and I have to wear either boxers or bandlettes under skirts because otherwise I will chafe. But really my body hatred is mostly centered around my giant pregnancy gut. And unfortunately, there's no way to just focus your weight loss on your belly. I'm losing weight all over and I don't think my stomach is any less prominent than it was 9 lbs ago. My husband swears my belly is smaller but I think he's just saying that to try and make me feel better.

Myfitnesspal says if I stay on track I could be 158 lbs in 5 weeks. Which is, coincidentally, the number I need to hit to be "overweight" rather than "obese." I'm really looking forward to that number.