On Unrequited Love

[anarfea]

So a comment I got from out_there on my Tropes Showdown (where I ranked "actually unrequited pining" pretty high on my tropes list) had me thinking about unrequited love, in fanfic and in life, and why I enjoy these kind of stories so much.

I think there are two main things I like about the unrequited love trope. One, I consider unrequited love to be selfless and brave. There's really something beautiful and almost mystical about loving someone without having any expectations of having that love returned. I think Molly's love for Sherlock is the clearest example of that kind of love that we have in BBC Sherlock canon. She loves Sherlock, she's there for him when he needs her, and she doesn't expect anything from him. And we see that love mature from this kind of crush in season one where she puts on the lipstick and asks him out for coffee to this partnership where she helps him fake his death in S2 and then in S3 she just quietly watches over him at the wedding. She's there for him and she cares for him. And then of course there's S4, where they actually exchange "I love you"s, and some people (myself included) saw Sherlock's "I love you" as sincere, so that means that maybe Molly finally got what she wanted in the end (which I think she did, judging by her huge smile and that yellow chair in the outgoing montage). But that does't change the fact that for 4 seasons she's basically just loving and putting herself out there and being vulnerable without really getting anything back for it and IMO there's something really beautiful about that.

Anyway, I recall that some nasty fans on twitter who were upset about Sherlock telling Molly he loves her were trying to pretend that they were somehow upset about that scene because it was somehow unfair to Molly, and not because they were bitter that Sherlock says "I love you" to Molly and not John. And there was much wanking about how it's antifeminist that Molly's been pining for Sherlock for so many years, and Molly should move on, and Molly should get a girlfriend (preferably DI Hopkins), and how pathetic Molly is and shouldn't BBC Sherlock showcase stronger women. And Lou Brealey responded to all of this by saying, "Loving someone after years is not reductive, retrograde, antifeminist or weak. Fight the patriarchy, not me, and read some fucking Chekhov." And I just loved that response, because I feel like Lou really gets it, she understands that loving someone without expectations is a sign of strength, not weakness. And she brings that understanding to her portrayal of Molly which just really deepens that character and especially the "I love you" scene. So yeah, much as I love Sherlolly fix its where Molly gets what she wants, I think it's really beautiful when she doesn't, too. It takes great courage to love like that.

But my absolute OTP for unrequited love is Holmecest. Mycroft pining for Sherlock is just almost as good as Mycroft and Sherlock getting together for me. I love the restraint, the self-denial, in Mycroft wanting Sherlock but never ever telling him. I'm a glutton for that kind of self-sacrifice. And there's also something really exquisite about savoring the temptation of something you want but won't allow yourself to have, knowing that you will never have it but enjoying the tension of the desire itself. There's a poem by Xavier Villaurrutia called Nocturno de Los Angeles (Night of the Angels) which has this one stanza which really embodies Holmescest for me:

Si cada uno dijera en un momento dado,
en sólo una palabra, lo que piensa,
las cinco letras del DESEO formarían una enorme
      cicatriz luminosa,
una constelación más antigua, más viva aún que las otras
Y esa constelación sería como un ardiente sexo
en el profundo cuerpo de la noche
o, mejor, como los Gemelos que por vez primera en la vida
se miraran de frente, a los ojos, y se abrazaran
     ya para siempre.

Translation:
If each one were to say at a given moment,
in only one word, what he thinks,
the six letters of DESIRE would form
an enormous, luminous scar,
a constellation more ancient, more brilliant
     than any other.
And that constellation would be like a sex organ burning
in the deep body of the night,
or, better, like the Gemini who for the first time
     in their lives
saw themselves brow to brow, eye to eye
and then took each other in their arms forever

It's such a powerful poem. Villaurrutia is of course talking about same-sex love. The love that dare not speak it's name etc. etc. But one of the things I love so much about Holmecest is it's a way to explore the idea of forbidden love, which I experienced as a young teen in the form of a queer relationship which I kept a secret, in a way that's free from all the angst of homophobia. Mycroft and Sherlock (or in the case of unrequited love, Mycroft) have a reason for keeping that love a secret, and it's a very good one. In Mycroft's case maybe the thing he wants is something he should not have. So there's something noble in his holding himself back and keeping his secret for Sherlock's case. I also like fic where Sherlock pines for Mycroft too, but Mycroft says no, for both their sake. It's this idea that maybe sometimes we shouldn't have what we want, but the desire is delectable all the same. Painful, but an exquisite kind of pain. A beautiful, luminous scar, as Villarrutia describes it. I used this poem as the preface to my own fic, The Love Song of Mycroft Holmes, which is actually a riff on The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. That was basically me wallowing in Mycroft's unrequited pining for Sherlock in poem form. I'm actually quite proud of it. For those who prefer their Mycroftian pining in prose form, I'd recommend The Properties of a Binary System, by Caitlyn Fairchild. It's part two of a trilogy, and I would recommend reading the whole trilogy as all of it is good, but the second part I think is the best.

There is one kind of unrequited pining fic I approach like a land mine, and that is Sherlock pining unrequitedly after John. I think pretty much every same-gender attracted person has been in love with a straight friend at some point in their life, and it fucking sucks. I like angst, but not that kind of angst. There is one exception to this, and that is fic where Sherlock moves on from John. I just re-read Consolation by Mildred and Bobbin because I was talking about Sherstrade with someone on tumblr and I was reminded how much I loved that fic. It's an old work, written in the S2 hiatus, and in it Sherlock comes back from the dead only to find John has pretty much cut him out of his life. He ends up hooking up with Greg, starting out pretending that Greg is John, but once Sherlock and John reconcile and start being friends again and Greg breaks off his relationship with Sherlock because he doesn't want to be Sherlock's second choice, Sherlock realizes he misses Greg and begins courting him in earnest. I adore that fic. The gradual shift from Sherlock pining for John to realizing he already had something better he was just too dense to see it is like a balm for my soul.

I really want to write a post S4 fic where Sherlock starts out pining for straight!John but eventually realizes that Molly, who has quietly loved him all along, is who he actually needs. And again, I think that I need to write that fic because it speaks very much to my own story. I was in a very unhealthy, closeted relationship with my first girlfriend which I held on to for way too long because I bought into toxic myths about soulmates and "the one" and didn't want to give up what I thought was my only shot at love, also because my queer identity was tied up in that relationship and giving up on it felt like caving to the forces of homophobia. Or something. I'm still processing these feelings a decade later. But I was very deeply in love with someone who was no good for me, in some ways still am in love with this person, and I've made peace with the fact that I will always pine a little bit for what maybe could have been (they are now out as bi and genderqueer and poly), but I don't want to go there because I'm happily married now. It's okay to maybe indulge that desire a bit to savor that tension, that possibility, but in the end I know that I'm never going to let myself get involved with that person again and that's for the best. And after John beat the shit out of Sherlock in S4 I really feel that John falls into that category for Sherlock. Maybe he loves him and maybe a big part of his identity is tied up in loving him but at the end of the day he is better off not being in a romantic/sexual relationship with John because John is no good for him. And Molly I think is. Or could be, if he'd let her. And maybe he wills till pine for John a little bit when he's with Molly. And that's okay. And I'm okay.

Comments

[out_there]

I'm going to bookmark those fics and come back to them later.

[anarfea]

I should warn you that they are very angsty! I think that all of them have satisfying endings, but whether or not they're "happy," I'm unsure.

[tei]

This is so wonderful.

I also really, really like the re-casting of unrequited love into something brave and pure because... I think it's something everyone kind of has. Like, probably everyone in a monogamous relationship has experienced crushes that still exist even if you aren't going to follow up on them (and probably even poly people too, because just because you theoretically could have a romantic or sexual relationship with someone doesn't mean you're going to in every case.) And I think it's really easy to write them off as just that, "crushes," and the word itself is kind of infantilizing and makes it sound like feelings are silly and just need to be ignored until they go away. When in reality, it's quite profound and beautiful: that even when you've chosen a path in life and are happy with it, you keep bumping into others. Whole parallel universes, people who could have been yours if the world had been a little different. It means something that those people are there, and you can love them in a different way than you love the person you've chosen in this universe.

[anarfea]

Thank you. Yeah this is what I'm trying to say. I think my own personal situation is definitely very much that. I am still in love with my ex-partner. I've chosen to be with my husband. But there's always going to be feelings there, and that's okay.

[donut_donut]

Very true. I wish fandom weren't so focused on the idea of "one true love". People have all kinds of loves in their lives, both consummated and otherwise.

[anarfea]

I guess this is why I dislike Soulmates AUs so much? The idea that there's only one person out there for everyone, and that you'll somehow know when you've found the one. Anyway, I think it's one of those myths that's damaging to people. It causes people to stay in abusive relationships I think. People are so afraid of loosing their "one." When really I think everyone has hundreds or even thousands of people they could potentially be happy with, most of whom they will never meet. That seems so much more beautiful and optimistic to me but I guess it's not "romantic."

I'm also not a terrible fan of those "in a thousand universes, it's always you" tropes. The die hard multi-shipper in me is just like, "let it be someone else every time!" That seems far more exciting to me.

[donut_donut]

Haha hard same, which I'm sure is no surprise.

I also think it tends to be a bit of a cheat for writers... I'd much rather read about two people falling in love for actual reasons, instead of fate.

[anarfea]

Yes it feels very lazy. Sherlock and John fall in love because they're meant to be together! Show me why.

Edit: I guess that's why I like unusual pairings so much. Have of the fic is always like, "convince me that these characters should be together." So much juggernaut ship fic takes the premise that the OTP should be together for granted.

[tei]

Ha, I think Sherlock and John are actually the first/only ship I’ve ever liked the “in a thousand universes it’s always you” thing, because it has the advantage of being literally true. There are thousands of fictional universes that only have those two characters in common. (I realize that’s... not usually really what people mean when they say that, but that’s what it makes me think of!)

[anarfea]

That's fair. I get that there are a zillion Holmes/Watson AUs and that people find something really archetypal about that relationship. I just like seeing different dynamics.

[vulgarweed]

Oh my Lord this.

I've been in love many times in my life. I hope I have more ahead. I've known at least a dozen people I think I could have been happy building a life with, had things worked out that way. There is no One.

Sometimes, as a wish-fulfillment fantasy in fiction, I get the appeal and I enjoy a good romance story on those terms sometimes. It's not something I really think is possible for me to experience, or would want. (I mean, I don't solve murder mysteries in real life either and don't think I would really want to, but it's fun to write about characters who do.)

[anarfea]

Yeah, I get that for a lot of people the idea of "The One" or a Soulmate or whatever is just a fantasy. And I think that's fine. I can see how for some people it might be sexy, or comforting, or whatever. But where I worry is when people start to look for "the One" in their real lives (or worse, don't leave bad IRL relationships because they're afraid they'll lose their "One.") I get that readers are responsible for their own experience and should be free to make their own choices about fiction. I'm not like "Don't write soulmate AUs!" But I personally think they're kind of icky.

[iriswallpaper]

Like all of your writing, this is breathtaking. Just this morning I ruminated on unrequited love. I had a relationship during college that was near-perfect but I was very self-destructive at the time and walked away. I will always be in love with that person and even though I'm healthy enough now to have a good relationship, I cherish that unrequited love. It's a small hearthfire in my soul that warms me and buoys me up in tough times. I never thought anyone would understand until I read your post. You get it. That makes me so happy.

[anarfea]

Thank you so much. Yes, I think you get it too. You can always carry a torch for someone and know that you'd never want to go back to them.

[solrosan]

Half-way through reading this I sort of lost my nerve to reply to it because you're so good at putting your thoughts into words and I'm on the level of "same" (I've only had one coffee yet!) but then I decided to do it anyway! (Again, I've only had one coffee yet XD)

I love unrequited love/pinning that doesn't end with people getting together too. It can be so bitter sweet and beautiful and serves as a contrast to the romcom/sitcom narrative that irks me more and more for each year.

I tend to fall in love with gay men and straight women for (I think) the very reason that I deep down know the feelings will always be unrequited. It's probably not healthy, but it is what it is and being in love can be a great feeling.

So I love stories about being in love, being heartbroken and then moving on. Preferably not to another person and a relationship, but moving on by themselves and for themselves. Rebuilding a life and centres around something else yet (hopefully) not bearing the person of their previous affection any ill will.

(and I also love Loo's quote, it's so spot on!)

[anarfea]

Yeah, I feel this way as well. Romantic, shippy stories where the leads end up together at the end are all well and good. I've read a ton of them and I love them, but it does get a bit boring if that's all I read. Sometimes you need other narratives. I like to read stories about characters moving on and becoming more comfortable alone, too. That feels like a really soothing narrative to me.

It's perhaps not healthy to always fall in love with unobtainable people, but having a few unrequited loves in ones life is good for the soul, I think.

[solrosan]

Yes, the different narratives! One of my absolute favourite things is the "fake dating" trope when it doesn't lead to them in a relationship in the end. I love the normal take on the trope, but the sudden twist of them just... not falling in love and still being friends at the end? That's fantastic. (Only read that twice, though.)

[anarfea]

Oooh! I've never read a fake dating fic that didn't end with them getting together. But I love when people subvert tropes.

[solrosan]

Then I must share this! It's Complicated

Both the fics I read were on LJ and this was the only one I've managed to find after the writer left. It's pre-series 2 and contains my all time favourite sex scene in the Sherlock fandom because, well, you'll understand if you read it. It also contains evil!Victor Trevor, if that's something you want to avoid.

(I also like the "married couple has to pretend they aren't married" but that one I've only ever come across in headcanon and meta posts.)

[anarfea]

Hah! Thanks for the rec. It was very entertaining. I confess I'm not terribly fond of the "evil Victor" trope but I don't hate it either. And I like that in spite of the "there's only one bed" trope and the "Fake relationship" trope that Sherlock and John don't end up together. Great fic.

[signoftea]

Well said. I like the idea that living with unrequited feelings can be a strength in its own way, too.

[anarfea]

Thank you.

[donut_donut]

Have you read Sixteen and a Half Months? It's a sherlolly fic very much like what you describe, but it's post s2.

It's one of my favorite sherlolly fics -- in fact it's one of the few I can stand at all, because mostly I find them too far from my head anons. But when I nominated it for discussion in reading221b, I was criticized by sherlollians... They said it wasn't really a sherlolly fic if Sherlock admitted to any feelings for John. But that's just what I love about it! Everyone is allowed to have complex, grown up feelings.

[anarfea]

Yes, I have read Sixteen and a Half Months, and I think that what sets it apart is that it's written by Emmagrant01, who is primarily a slash shipper who has written a lot of Johnlock fic. So she acknowledges the Johnlock feels, which is something I agree with you a lot of Sherlollians are loathe to do.

If I ever do write my "Sherlock gets over John and falls in love with Molly" fic, I fear no one will read it for precisely that reason. But it's one of those things I think I need to write for me.

[vulgarweed]

I feel like a lot of shippers are very invested in their pairing ONLY loving each other. Any suggestion of either party having or ever having had feelings for someone else that were true and real violates their One and Only True Love Ever fantasy.

I get that intellectually, but that's not a fantasy that I personally enjoy or believe in.

[donut_donut]

Yeah, it was a bit of a culture shock for me to enter fandom and find that SO much the dominant mode. And also that shipping was by far the most dominant way to engage with certain fandoms, which is still a bit weird to me. Everyone defines themselves by their ships, almost all fic is ship fic of some kind... even Gen fic usually revolves around an intense friendship, and even aromantic fans usually have platonic ships.

I'm not anti-romance, but I still don't quite get how that became THE definition of what it means to be a fan, at least for women.

[anarfea]

I admit I do mostly engage in fandom by shipping, I just multi-ship. I do love gen metas like what you write, and I do sometimes read gen fic, but I usually like romance and smut. I just want to mix it up a bit. I can see how if you're not really into shipping fandom could feel kind of alienating.

[donut_donut]

I definitely didn't mean it as a call out! Obviously I enjoy a lot of ship fic and smut as well. I'm just honestly curious why female fandom grew up this way. And relatedly, why is fandom activity so heavily gendered, with girls over here and boys over there? The voluntary sex segregation is actually probably the most alienating thing to me, but I've learned to deal with it.

Is patriarchy responsible? Or a mere quirk if history? Is it biological? I have my theories, but it's all speculation.

[anarfea]

I think there's just so much societal pressure on people to get married that people carry over that desire for romantic and sexual exclusivity into other aspects of life. Women in particular are pressured to settle down and we get trained to want that.

[anarfea]

Yeah. I see a lot of that. What is this new bullshit that "if you multi-ship you countenance infidelity IRL" that I've seen on twitter? It makes absolutely zero sense. But I suppose a lot of my feelings come from the fact that I'm deeply skeptical of monogamy. I'm monogamish, as Dan Savage would say. I have a primary partner and I'm mostly faithful except with certain sanctioned exceptions. I don't think I could handle being one hundred percent monogamous. I've tried, and it made me miserable. But there's so much romanticization of exclusivity and even of jealousy in fandom that really gives me the heebie jeebies.

[donut_donut]

Whaaaat. I... Thank God I'm not on Twitter.

It's so dumb, because the idea of having more than one significant relationship in a lifetime doesn't even necessarily require infidelity OR polyamory. It can just mean having two or more relationships sequentially, which is like... The completely normal standard for most of humanity.

I think any standard of "romance" that would shame a woman for remarrying after her beloved husband died (as just one example) is juvenile and offensive.

[anarfea]

I know right? It's so stupid. It's just the usual people don't like other ships but feel like they need to find "moral" reasons to hate people who ship different stuff rather than admitting they just don't like it.

[eloquated]

This is really incredible (it's also 6am here, so I'm going to end up re-reading it in the future, I'm sure! Just to find the bits that went right over my sleepy head!)

That last idea, though.. with Sherlock realizing John isn't good for him, but Molly is? That's wonderful.. really, just,... gah, I love it so much.

[anarfea]

Thank you so much. Are you up very late or very early lol? Anyway I hope I will get at least one reader for my "Sherlock gets over John and falls for Molly" fic.

[eloquated]

Very early, unfortunately! It's the only way I can be sure to get a little quiet writing time before I have to be a functional adult :)
And I'll definitely check that fic out if you write it! Absolutely!

[iwantthatcoat]

I would dig the hell outta that. Because as much as I am forever pulled back to Holmes/Watson in historical context , I have less and less of that feeling for BBC. I do read Sherlock as not giving a single fuck about gender...but...there is also this sense of, not ever expecting to find an opposite gender person (not tp say Molly is straight!) for a long-term relationship if you have already defined yourself as “outsider”. There are so many things about Molly that are...oh man I am just *asking* for trouble here, I know it...typical female-identified things that one/me/Sherlock would need to look past and see the complete and whole person beneath. Things like, uh Glee. Anyways....I think you are one of the few writers I could grok that sort of storyline from. I thinkn you need to give yourself permission to be in a relationship that would *appear* tp normalise you.
I have no clue if im making sense and Im probably toe-stepping so Ill stop now and just hit post.

[anarfea]

Yeah I also am more open to Holmes/Watson than Sherlock/John, mostly because I feel like Moftiss really made John into this angry, abusive person I didn't want with Sherlock. While ACD Watson has a temper, he certainly doesn't ever beat the shit out of Holmes. Also there's no Molly-esque figure in ACD, obviously.

But in the case of BBC Sherlock, I do think Molly would be good for him. I understand what you're saying about Molly being "girly," but to me that's part of her appeal? She's not "one of the guys." She likes glee and cats and hearts and lipstick. She also works in STEM and is damn good at it--so good at it in fact that Sherlock cannot imagine anyone but Molly in the morgue even in Victorian times.

But I feel that struggle you alluded to in wanting to reject the conventional. I long assumed I was going to end up in a relationship with a woman, and yes, I saw myself as other/outsider. The thing is that sense didn't go away when I married a man. And I don't think the otherness/queerness would go away for Sherlock, either. Or that his relationship with Molly would be conventional in any sense.

Anyway, I feel you don't often see stories about queer characters in different gender relationships. Most queer indi publishers have rules about things like "a female character who has been shown in a relationship with a woman can't be shown in a relationship with a man after." And that makes sense, their core clientele is lesbian and is interested in f/f stories. But what about the bi women who are in relationships with men? Shouldn't they be able to see themselves, too?

That was what Pridelolly was always about, to me. Trying to tell those stories about queer characters which focused on the identity issues and what not that come with queerness but in an m/f context. Because that's my context. And I know I'm not alone. There are tons of bi women in relationships with men and I want for us to have stories about us, too.

[clevermanka]

Oh that is a beautiful poem, thank you. I enjoyed reading your take on this. I think I mentioned to you a long time ago that I parcel out your fics for when I really need them because they supply me with something I don't often want--but when I do, they're perfect. It's cool to read your sorta...motivation behind some of it.

[anarfea]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. And I'm glad that my fics provide you with a dose of something you need, even you only need it once in a blue moon.

[vulgarweed]

Oh, I hear you SO HARD on the wank around Molly, and her character arc, and the "I love you" scene. It pissed me off SO MUCH that all of a sudden people who had never had a nice word to say about any female character on the show suddenly decided Molly Was Done Wrong - it was such transparent bullshit.

Is Moffat sexist? Yes. Does he have trouble writing women characters? Yes. But you can acknowledge that fact and still find aspects of all the women characters compelling and interesting, if you're inclined to be interested in women characters. And people treating S4 Molly as if she's the same insecure, timid person she seems to be in the first episode of S1, as if the whole series hasn't given her significant character development and as if her relationship with Sherlock hasn't grown and changed....well, they just weren't fucking paying attention.

I absolutely agree about unrequited love being a selfless and beautiful thing - it's as if we've lost all memory of the concept of courtly love, or that we think it's something only a man can feel. And the fact that loving someone and being in a romantic relationship with someone are two very different things. One does not require the other. I have been in love with people I was never involved with, I still have love for some people I was involved with but aren't any longer, and I carry a torch or two for people I know I'll never be involved with (and probably shouldn't be). And that's OKAY. It is not pathetic. It is not obsessive unless I let it become that.

[anarfea]

Yeah. All the Sherlolly fans were just rolling their eyes when all of the sudden people who hated Molly Hooper in S1-S3 (she's chasing after a gay man! She slapped Sherlock!) were outraged about how she'd been done dirty by being forced to express her feelings for Sherlock. All of the sudden there were "feminist" reasons to be outraged about the "I love you" scene.

I do think Moffat is sexist, and I do think he bungled writing Irene Adler in a lot of ways, both with the problematic "lesbian just needs the right man" trope, and by turning Irene into a damsel in distress who needs Sherlock to save her at the end. But I actually think that the writers did a good job with Molly's arc. She really develops from season to season, and she's pretty much their only returning character who isn't from the ACD canon. I think they fell in love with her a little and it shows.

But yeah, Molly is a great character and her love for Sherlock is beautiful. Fight me lol.

[unreconstructedfangirl]

Absolutely agree that unrequited love is enobling and absolutely the opposite of pathetic or humiliating. And I very much enjoyed this post.

[anarfea]

Thank you!

[fandomnumbergenerator]

I absolutely relate to the idea that, as a bisexual woman married to a man, my connection to women exes is what is tethering me to queerness. And the way that that can make it hard to keep someone at arm's length, even if at some level, that’s probably what I should be doing.

And I totally agree about landmine unrequited love. The only kind of unrequited love I have any experience with is the terrible kind. Where I knew at some level that the person was not able to love me in the way I needed them to. But I kept having sex with them and/or doing things with them that felt like dates.

I think I had not really connected the idea of courtly love (and the related form of love poems to the divine) to unrequited love. So thank you for that.

I really liked Consolation, and was also interested in the beginning of Time on my hands, which deals with Sherlock moving on from John (though the story does end with Johnlock, which to me, undermined a lot of the work that the story had been doing up to that point).

[anarfea]

I'm also a bi woman married to a man, and I totally relate to the idea of the connection to my ex being one of the things that defines my queerness. My current female crushes/flirtations also connect me to that queerness.

I re-read Consolation the other day and found it as delightful as I remember. I want more fics like that, about Sherlock moving on from John and healing (if the fics ended in Johnlock that would undermine it for me).