More Body Image Blues

[anarfea]

So today was really hard. I went to my shrink today because I had to or he won't prescribe me more meds. I mentioned that I am still struggling with my weight and haven't lost any since I stopped taking Abilify. He suggested I try Metformin, which is actually a type 2 diabetes drug, but it's used off label for weight loss. It works by increasing insulin sensitivity and reducing the amount of sugar released by the liver. Also it is an appetite suppressant. And I told my husband about this conversation which triggered a big fight, because he's really anti med in general (he's finally come around and admitted that I'm better on brain meds than not), and he thinks I just need to work out harder and eat healthier and I....

I just feel so much despair. I'm afraid that my metabolism has basically re-calibrated and that I'm going to be this weight forever, or worse, that I'll get heavier. And I really really hate the way my body looks. Since I gained the weight so fast, I now have these awful stretch marks. I just feel like I don't recognize my body. Even my face is fuller.

Husband is... supportive, but only supportive of me trying to lose weight. So, we joined a gym together today, and he's promised to go with me and that we will work out together. He also has offered to help cook diet conscious recopies etc. But he's definitely pushing me to lose weight and is not telling me to accept my body at it's current size or anything like that. And he says he still finds me attractive but that he misses my old body. On the other hand, I don't want to accept my body at its current size. I want to change it. I have these really vivid fantasies about just getting a knife and slicing off fat. Ugh.

Anyway, I've just been crying off and on during the day about this. I want to lose 40-50 lbs. And that just seems like such an overwhelmingly huge number. And I don't understand how I let it get this bad.

Comments

[teaforlupin]

As a long time ED sufferer--and now reasonably long term recoverer! yay!-- I'm sending you lots of be-gentle-with-yourself vibes, and also strongly recommend you check out heavyweightheart on tumblr... she has a lot of resources that I have found very beneficial in terms of making peace with my body and its many and varied changes. Wishing you peace, as well; sooner rather than later <3

[virtual_particle]

Your body is *your* body, and no one else’s. You get to decide what to do with it, and how and why you want to do those things. I know you know this, but it always bears repeating.

I have zero advice about weight loss, but just in the abstract sense, that “40-50 lbs” sounds to me like an overwhelming task, in the way that it’s stated. Those specific words. Would it help to change how you’re wording your goals?

My perpetual goal is basically, “Keep doing little things to maintain your aerobic capacity (because it helps my brain feel more focused and less Blah). Also don’t eat a bunch of refined sugar, because you’ll get a horrible headache, and headaches suck.”

*shrug*

(Please feel free to ignore any/all of this if you want)

[donut_donut]

I don't think it's got anything to do with "letting it get this bad". As you said, it happened very quickly, and it was in response to chemical changes from the drugs you needed. It's not like it came from laziness or self-indulgence.

Can you perhaps go on the Metformin without telling your husband? I have no opinion on it as a weight loss tool, but it seems like this is a decision that should happen between you and your doctor. Your husband's opinion doesn't strike me as relevant, and if he's going to throw a tantrum about *your* body and *your* decisions, then he forfeits his privilege to be informed.

Sorry, I hope that's not out of line. It just doesn't seem fair for him to BOTH give you a hard time about your new body, AND object to your totally reasonable attempts to adjust it.

Would it be possible to see a nutritionist? That might be a good way to make sure you're making healthy choices for the longterm, and not falling into dangerously disordered eating habits.

[anarfea]

I have definitely considered going on the Metformin without telling him. He has asked me if I'd consider waiting a month to see if diet and exercise alone will help, and then try the Metformin if it's not working. But it is my body.

[anarfea]

Yeah, I'm trying not to think about the number and focus on things I can actually achieve, like "do cardio five days a week," or "stop eating candy from the communal bowl at work." But it's still there, in the back of my mind, that I have this huge amount of weight to lose. Husband wants me to focus on losing weight in little chunks, like, set a goal of five lbs or something. He says that will be visible. I don't know.

[doctornerdington]

This is SUCH a difficult and emotional and loaded topic, and I second the suggestion above for you to be very gentle with yourself. I too have existed on that knife's edge of wanting to love and accept my body, and also wanting to change it. How do you reconcile that?! I think the answer might be different for everyone, but literally the only thing that worked for me was to love my body into changing--and it took me a LOT of years to get into that head space. I focused on changing habits that made me feel bad, or that were objectively not great for me, physically or mentally, with the goal of improving my overall health. I framed it as gratitude to my body, and care for it. Every time I have tried to lose weight for reasons of body hatred, I have failed (and ended up in a disordered and unhealthy place, mentally). That said, this is hugely individual, and I hope that you come to a place of peace with it. Sending lots of empathy.

[virtual_particle]

I was thinking more like: don’t include weight numbers at all, basically what doctornerdington said in comment: I framed it as gratitude to my body

but I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, whichever goals you decide to use!

[clevermanka]

Oh, bb. It sucks that your husband isn't as supportive as you want/need. Sending you ALLLLLLL the hugs.

[anarfea]

Thank you. I skimmed through that blog and it seems mostly targeted towards people with anorexia and deals with re-feeding and food control etc. I don't really have any food issues, just body image stuff. I subscribed though in case she posts something relevant, but if you can link me to any particular posts you remember that'd be great.

[anarfea]

Thank you. I think I had more of this mindset when I was doing yoga five days a week. I definitely felt like doing yoga was about doing what felt good and was good for me. The problem was, it was definitely not impacting my body shape at all. So I want to try doing cardio and/or a strength training routine in the hopes of changing my body to be more like what I want. And I really dislike running in particular. I prefer the eliptical and/or stationary bike, so I guess I'll do that and not focus on running because I hate it, and I don't want exercise to feel like punishment. I just want to get into a schedule where it becomes something I do.

[pennypaperbrain]

Sanity should not be so expensive, should it? The side effects!

You probably know this, but if this bothers you massively long-term, so much so that it's eating a hole right through the sanity you just victoriously patched up, there are brain meds that don't cause weight gain. It's just a question of whether it upsets you enough to go through the risks an upheaval of switching.

Good luck with it, whatever. Husband does not sound like he's being helpful :/

[anarfea]

I understand why you all are framing it that way, I don't know if I can do that. I hate my body so much right now. And I feel like if I don't see actual change I won't be motivated.

[anarfea]

I have switched meds. I gained the weight when I was on Abilify (which I understand is a common side effect) and I have since switched to Latuda, which is a different mood stabilizer that does not cause weight gain. The latuda is unfortunately more expensive, because it's a newer drug. But I hope worth it in that I have at least stopped gaining weight.

[anarfea]

Thanks. He's trying to be supportive in his own way. I just wish his support felt less conditional.